Ceremony #2 - Totality

I was still a little unsure I was making the right choice in drinking again, but that was my physical body speaking. Energetically I wanted to find out more about where I went yesterday. After burning out my sinuses with a little tobacco I was back in the ceremony room in front of Malcolm to get my dose. I pinched my fingers together leaving about a 1/8 inch gap and jokenly said I'll take about yay much, in fact maybe half of yay much. Malcolm laughed and poured about 1/8 of a cup before whistling an icaros in to it. Once everyone was served we again toasted and then tossed back the brew. I'm sorry to say that the taste does not improve with age nor did I ever get used to it.

I put on my eye mask and got under the covers. With the smaller dose it turned out to be true that it would in fact take 30-60 minutes for you to feel the effects. Everything was pretty calm and then around 30 minutes I slowly started to feel San Pedro sneak its way in. I knew it was in me as again my left hand had the sensation of holding a hot prickly cactus. It was much more gentle and I found that this time I was able to focus on my thoughts. The shaman were working the energy again as I began to focus my intention on understanding yesterday.

It was hard and I was starting to understand what the shaman meant when they said "holding the space". I would see or feel that there was some energy over there that I wanted to go understand. However, the closer I got the smaller it became, and just as I would reach out to touch it, it would disappear before I could fully understand what it was. Other times I would "see" a group of energy that I wanted to explore, however I was not quite in line or in tune with the right vibration. So I could not clearly tell if there were three patterns that made up the group or if it were eight patterns. I could not hold the space long enough to explore what I wanted or I was not holding the right frequency in order to clearly align with it. I was very frustrated. The harder and longer I tried the more difficult it became. All the information was available and I knew where it was, I just could not access it.

I then "felt" that Malcolm's energy was near and somehow he was communicating that I can't explore it because "it" does not exist. That if I try and consciously observe the energy then it collapses out of the energetic dimension. In a strange way it was starting to make sense and I no longer felt his energy present. I first thought that I had to become the energy I wanted to explore but that was not working either. In fact, I didn't really have to do anything other then to understand that I was already the energy I wanted to understand. It was just another part of me. What I'm seeing in the universe is what I am seeing in me. I then realized that in physicality everything we see in each other is us seeing ourselves. We are all looking for something we already have.

That is what I was shown in the first ceremony. I was not just a fragment of the universe but I was the universe itself, it was my totality. The rapid experience of this overloaded my physical mind and body and it needed time to process and integrate everything. That's why I felt so energetically drained for over 18 hours yesterday, my energy was fragmented across the universe. That's why now I was feeling complete again. I had collect all the fragments back together to understand my totality. I had to experience what I was not in order to understand what I was, it was balance.

As the ceremony ended I sat up and looked and Malcolm and smiled. I said "I know where we went yesterday". After a nice warm cup of cacao I got up to enjoy some fresh fruit. I was more balanced today, relaxed and focused. I headed out to enjoy some time in the gardens.

I was starting to become more comfortable with the new energies I was receiving. I can only imagine it is like a blind person seeing for the first time. There are all these amazing experiences available and I was finally able to awaken new organs to explore them. I joined the others for dinner that night and then headed to my room to drift off to sleep. As I was processing the thoughts of the day I came to a realization. All suffering, sadness, and depression is based on a simple illusion that there is an individual in the environment.