Ceremony #1 - Fragmented Across the Universe

Today I would be meeting San Pedro for the first time. I woke up and made sure I did not drink or eat anything. I headed down to the fire pit to meet everyone. We would start by working with a different plant, tobacco. Tobacco is a wonderful plant medicine in it's natural form. It's only when you add all the other garbage found in cigarettes that is becomes bad. I quickly found tobacco to be a kind of shotgun approach in that it goes directly to the problem or issue you want it to go to and it does not mess around. At first you might think this is the result of emptying everyone's bathroom "trash" bin, however it is really just tobacco leaves soaked in water.

Malcolm would squeeze some of the juices out of the leaves into your cupped hands and then you would snort it up your nose. I love the smell of tobacco but my sinuses were still bothering me so I was a bit unsure how this would go. I exhaled, tilted my head down to my hands, and then in one motion inhaled through my nose as I lifted my head and hands up. I was instantly lit up, the back of my eyes burned and I was disorientated and dizzy. With the spirit of tobacco in me I was open in a way I have never been before. Once I found my legs to be steady again, we all headed to the ceremony house to let the spirit of San Pedro in guided by the spirit of tobacco.

I'm here in this amazing fairytale garden between two powerful mountain ranges getting ready to travel to and connect to other energetic dimensions and the tool that I am going to use for this is served in an old two liter bottle of Coke.

To be fair this is the same way I was served Ayahausca. In fact, it not only looked like Ayahausca but it was also sticky thick like Ayahausca. And while not quite as bad tasting as Ayahausca it was still pretty bad.

Like other ceremonies we went up one at a time and Malcolm would pour our dose and whistle an icaros in to it to communicate with the spirits. We would then go back to our mat and wait for everyone to be severed before drinking. Malcolm has gotten to know me and my energy quite well over the last three years. When it was my turn, I went up and mistakenly joked "I'm ready for take off". Malcolm gave me a full cup and I could not help notice it was larger then what others were getting.

We toasted and then I threw back the brew. My connection would become so strong that even as I type this I can still taste it in my mouth. We were told that it could take 30-60 minutes for us to begin to feel the effects. Malcolm and the other shaman began the ceremony by using the sound of their voices, drums, and rattles to begin to shape and amplify the energy, holding the space for us.

Within five minutes I began to feel small popping in my legs, almost like there were all these tiny air pockets that were exploding so they could be filled in. Ayahausca comes in kicking down the front door and is a full on assault on your psyche, where San Pedro sneaks in the back door and fills in all the nooks and crannies. So you are in the medicine space before you even know you are in the medicine space. I got under my blanket, put on my eye mask, and then let go.

My heart took me to a place I had been before, and while I have always had it with me this was a chance to touch it again, a chance to integrate with it again. I went straight to the source of creation, not the word, not the emotion, but the energy, the only truth, love. I was home and it was so beautiful. I laughed out loud and started crying beautiful light drops of tears. So strong and so pure, but it was also different. Last time I was here I was an outside observer seeing how the universe worked. This time I was the universe and it was me. I was the creator, I was love. And everyone else was the creator and they were the universe, but they were their own universe, the same, but separate from mine. I was writing my story by observing and framing the energy in a way that made sense to me, and they were writing their story by observing and framing the energy in a way that made sense to them.

And then I felt Malcolm near me. I would not fully understand this until the following ceremony but he had things to show and teach me. Or rather I had things I wanted to see and learn. I was a young child starving for information. A drug addict who got a little taste and now could only focus on getting more. I was on fire and followed him as far as we could go, screaming "Yeah, this is so awesome, yeah show me more, let's go". At the time this is all I could recall or feel that is what happened. The specific details were not yet available to my conscious mind. But something major was happening to me.

After two hours the official ceremony slowed down and they calmed the energy in the ceremony house. We then drank warm cacao, or what is known as unsweetened chocolate and is also a powerful plant medicine in it's own right. The spirit of cacao filled me and I felt like I was back in the physicality of a loving mother figure, safe and protected. The effects of San Pedro continue on for hours afterwards. At this point we were allowed to have some tea and fruit and could hang out in the ceremony house or explore the gardens. The property was fairly secure so there was little chance of anyone accidentally getting out. I was exploding with energy and went up to Malcolm and gave him a huge hug thanking him for the experience, not yet even having a grasp on what happened. I told him "I need to go frolic in the garden and continue my exploration while this lasts", which was weird as I have never used the word "frolic" before.

I would not understand the various energies I was feeling until my third ceremony but I was connected to everything. With Ayahausca your consciousness is out of body and in other dimensions but with San Pedro you are very aware of your physicality in that you can move, see, and talk. However, you are receiving different energies and it is a very foreign feeling the first few times. I would "see" the flowers but I would also "feel" them and I would "know" them.

I found a place to sit down and start exploring my new connections. I was alone in one of the many secluded areas of the garden. I was "talking", or exchanging energy with everything, the ground, the sun, the spider 20 feet away, the bird flying overhead, everything. And then things started to change. I felt very weak, I felt the energy leave my body, I felt as though I was dying. I was sitting, however I no longer had the energy to hold myself up and was now lying on the ground. A few moments later and I could no longer move. I was breathing and could look around with my eyes but my physical body was too weak to move. There was no energy to move it. In my left hand I felt the burning sensation of squeezing a hot cactus with its needles penetrating the skin on my palm.

I started to panic, but then calmed down. I first tried to send out thoughts to the shaman, Malcolm, Scott, Loretta, please come help me. But then I realized what was going on. We are beings of energy who exist in physicality. I was working with a medicine that works on the energetic level. All my life I have been conditioned to think I'm a physical being. So when something is wrong I need to take some manufactured pharmaceutical to fix it. But that only attempts to address the symptoms without any understanding of the underlying cause. I had to let go of my conditioning and completely trust the plant medicine, just as I have previously trusted medication given to me by my doctor. It was very hard and very scary but I knew I would be ok. I just had to remember who I am, I just had to breathe. A little over an hour and I started to be able to move my arms and legs again. I could walk but something was still not familiar, I was not in a place that I knew. So I made my way back to the ceremony house.

I collapsed on my mat and Scott came in. He was a welcome sight as I was failing quickly. I started to purge. I was not producing anything physical but I was letting go of energy that was no longer serving me. I had two great releases but there was one thing that I was not yet ready to let go of and would not find out what it was until a few days later. And that is when I started to vibrate. It was kind of like when you are cold and you get the shivers with your muscles contracting in an attempt to produce heat. However, I was not cold and this was not muscular. I was truly vibrating as the energy was working its way through my physicality.

Malcolm came in and said that it was fun today. He was laughing at how far I wanted to go and how far we went. I said I can't stop vibrating and I'm worried. He said not to worry and that I was plenty strong enough to ride this out. He then said that I would understand in time and that my energetic being exploded in growth and now it was just my physical body trying to catch up. He shook my hand as I could not sit up and smiled and said amazing work today.

I continued to shake and started taking cold showers after cold showers to try and calm the energy. While this helped for a little bit it was only a matter of time before I started shaking and vibrating again. I read and was told that San Perdo could last up to eight hours but as dinner came there was no way I could eat. I was now well beyond ten hours and still in the San Pedro space.

Blue Morpho is so supportive and loving, and I'm so honored to have been a part of it for the last three years. Scott brought me some bread and soup that night. He also stayed with me that night as my first dive into San Perdo would last over 20 hours. The energy finally calmed down after yet another shower around 2am. At that point I was done and told Scott I was going to sleep in and skip tomorrow's ceremony. But that would soon change as I was understanding that this was something I had to experience and suffer through. I would soon understand what a great first ceremony this was.